Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
