Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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