I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
