I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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