Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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