I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
