JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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