I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
