And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
