You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
