Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
