my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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