I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
