it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize