I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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