K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
