Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
