You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize