I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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