did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So many bounce houses so little time
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
