His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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