i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My cat gives me a boner
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The adults are the big ones right?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
