i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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