I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
