I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We are all done wearing pants today
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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