Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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