i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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