I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
