I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
