The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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