theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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