I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
