Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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