I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
