I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
