Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
