I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
