The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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