I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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