Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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