see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No subtext here. People are naked.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
