Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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