I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
