Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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