textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize