Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
