this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
