Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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