We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
