If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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