you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
