just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
