Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
