Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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