My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
