o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
