That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
two words: eviction party
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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