I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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