Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
