It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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