Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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